If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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