We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
