took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
