I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
