I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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