The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
