here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I forget how to act sober
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
