So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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