Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
His nipple licking is glorious
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