capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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