someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
