Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
