if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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