Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
