I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
