You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize