next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Houston, we have a blender
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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