DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Who died my cat blue again?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
