Who wears a wallet chain?!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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