I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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