Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
