I'm so fucking centered right now
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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