so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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