ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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