I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
