shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Well I just put wine in my tea
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
