my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
birth control should be required to get into college
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
