better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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