I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
