I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
