i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
