i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
