I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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