I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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