I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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