I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
