chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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