yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
This is my gift to your gina
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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