i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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