so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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