i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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