I cannot find my penis.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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