If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
