Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
A+ Viking dick
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
