My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
