i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
