I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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