I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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