peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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