So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
