I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
