remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
