Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We're too hungover to prance.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
