I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
