Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
