my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
