When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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