I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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