Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
there is glitter all over my balls
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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