i love accidental penises.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
