apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
