Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
