she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize