I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize