You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
