I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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