Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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