my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize