You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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