Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
