There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
