Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
