I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
