Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
