I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
